Pig tales from our roving correspondent
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MADISON, Wis. – The First Annual Squirrel Convention and 3-D Film Festival was held in Madison recently. The event was disrupted when a group of squir- rels from Oshkosh, Wis. began climbing on the screens. Two squirrels were blinded from wearing 3-D glasses for the en- tire 16 hours, and one death occurred when an elderly squir- rel suffered a heart attack after he seemed to be screeching, “No, no you can’t have my Nut Clus- ters.”
An official with the Univer- sity of Wisconsin-Madison hy- pothesized that this phenomenon was due to a transference of magnetic forces that are known to specifically emanate from the world famous P.I.G. Shrine in Menomonie, Wis. It is well known by many, that squirrels in the neighborhood of the P.I.G. House will almost come up to you and eat right out of your hand. When Paul Soglin, Mayor of Madison, was asked to comment, he replied, “I don’t know, now get the hell out of my bathroom.”
Other highlights of the conven- tion included the christening of |
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the new “Pig Flyer II” [bicycle] with a bottle of “Birkie Beer” from the newly remodeled Hans and Frans Brewery and a march to the State Capitol for a vigil protesting the ban of lawn fur- niture in Menomonie, Wis.
 Recently, (even more re- cently than the Madison conven- tion), Fred, a professional pan- handler, drunkard and occasional fortune teller confessed to me, when I visited his box, that Sal- vador Dali was planning on visiting the P.I.G. House and Shrine for the Fifth Annual Dan McAleese Festival, Feb. 2 to 3. When I asked Fred why Salvador Dali would want to visit the P.I.G. House he replied that the Shrine was emitting positive vib- rations and that the House has a certain flow to it. Fred could not tell me where Bufa was.
Less recently, a Madison newspaper, The Onion reported on a problem in Madison that has also plagued the University of Wisconsin-Stout community for many years – “Fashion Merchie Babble.”
The Onion operative suggest- ed that a Jinx Law be proposed. This law is based on the popular |
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child’s game. The basic rule is that if two or more people say the same thing at the same time and the word “jinx” is uttered within earshot of those speaking, they must be silent until they are unjinxed.
Penalties for cheaters include: first offense – a triple jinx, where the offender is unable to speak until their name is repeated three times in a row by three different people; second offense – a pinch to the back of the arm and a twenty-four hour silence period; third offense – an officer of the law must be present to adminis- ter an Indian burn to the right arm of the offender.
If one continues to be a cheat- er, they will be condemned to die. First, their right foot is burned off with a red hot iron. Then, flesh is torn from the bones using a Vice-Grips in six places, the heart is torn from the bosom and flung in the offenders face, and finally the head is re- moved. It’s a dirty job but it must be done.
It was recently rumored on Wall Street that Donald Trump was trying to scrape up enough cash to buy the P.I.G. House. Lately he has been seen frequent- |
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ly playing the slot machines at his casinos in Atlantic City hoping he will get lucky.
A totally unrelated item – In keeping with the new “pump” basketball shoes, Nike has just announced the new line of “pump” sweat pants. Privately they are called “do you have something in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me” pants. Yes, now you can look as “big” as any basketball star. Find them at your local adult bookstore.
Who really is the “Tequila Fairy?”
For the Fifth Annual Dan McAleese Festival, the fellows at The Moose Lodge will attempt to break the old “people spel- ling” record set in April of 1985. They plan to break the record by spelling out “Welcome back to Menomonie, Dan McAleese (em, see – ay, el – double ee – es, ee)!” using only Moose Lodge mem- bers and members of the immed- iate McAleese family.
In order to control the 150 or so people expected to attend the festival, the Menomonie Police Department has called upon the U.S. Army to fight back the crowds just in case the revellers decide to march to I-94. Several |
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| Correspondent Keith Okan |
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troops are being called back from Operation Desert Storm to help ensure that I-94 stays open and safe for civilian as well as mil- itary traffic.
In a recent P.I.G. House sur- vey, people were asked what they thought of the way the Menomonie Police Department handled the last march to I-94. Here are their responses:
12% “Don’t have a cow, man!”
21% “Who ya gonna call?”
25% “Damn college students. They shouldn’t be here any- way.”
42% “I don’t know about any march, now get the hell out of my bathroom!”
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